i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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