So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
