dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
