I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
