In the future we'll all be gay
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
