he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
