Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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