I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
