Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
