apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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