I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
