I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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