I wanna passion pit in your ass
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
