I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
