Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
