Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
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