Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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