Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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