I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
