Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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