my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
