my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
we should paint friendship bongs
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
