I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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