Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
