I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
