I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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