Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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