He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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