What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
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You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
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She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?