So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.