Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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