Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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