Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
