I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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