4 words: hood of his car
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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