yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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