Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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