Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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