grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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