why didn't you poke me back
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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