My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
