Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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