i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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