This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
