My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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