The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
