I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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