You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
