Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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