thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
