I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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