I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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