I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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