Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
