bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
