piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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