And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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